It's a Downer...

Okay... I am allowing myself a downer post. I miss my brother terribly. I hate that things are different when I spend time with my family, because even though we have an amazing time we try not to talk about Jason much, and we are all scared and sad. I hate that certain words trigger memories and I instantly become closed off and upset thinking about how we have no answers. I hate that some people who have never been in this situation think it's okay to tell me how to live my life or tell me that my family isn't doing enough to find him. The Army is crazy about this stuff (and probably a little crazy in general) and they have rules about how these things are handled. Is it fair to me and my family to up and leave, possibly quit our jobs to go to the South and look for him, in territory we have never been to, when he has a car and probably isn't even anywhere close to Georgia anymore? My family is handling this the best way we know how while being guided through prayer and hope. I'm sorry if that's not enough for certain people, but it's all we know how to do. Every morning when I wake up the first thing I do is call my brother's phone. It always goes straight to voice mail, but he truly is the first thing I think of when I get up every morning. I am not always the most effective person at expressing my emotions or feelings correctly, and so it's been difficult to share with others the pain and sadness that has crept over me the past 2 weeks. I may be laughing and going to work and doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing, but it's because I am still alive and I have obligations outside mourning for my brother whose state we don't know. I have to keep my life and myself together in order to even begin to hope to be functional when this ordeal is over. Today I feel a little angry because I want answers. I want to know why it's been 2 weeks and we haven't a clue where he is. I want to know why prayers aren't being answered, and maybe that seems like I lack faith, and maybe I do, and maybe our prayers are being answered and we just don't know, but I am a results kind of girl, and I'm not seeing results. As much as I have focused on finding distractions the past two weeks, I am realizing that this situation is also in itself a distraction. I am constantly having to stop in the middle of work or anything I am doing and clear my mind so that I can continue properly. Some days it seems too much, and today is one of those days. Jason I love you. Please come home to us or at least let us know that you are safe.

An Introduction, a Beautiful Distraction, and a Heck of A Lot of Pictures...

Yesterday was pretty close to a perfect day. Remember how I said I had an introduction for you all? Well here it is. A met a guy... I know I know. I may have said some pretty harsh things about men on my blog in the past, but that's because I have never met someone like Spencer. Even with my most serious, long term (3 years) relationships I have never been treated the way that Spencer treats me. He even opens the door for me when I'm driving. He is so nice, funny, smart, caring, and let's be honest... he's not bad to look at either. He just came out of the blue for me at probably one of the worst moments in my life. But through this hell he has been there every step of the way. Since the moment I got the call from my Mom saying that Jason was missing, until now when I still sit in unknowing. I feel bad that he has to get to know me under these circumstances, but at the same time I think that people can learn a lot from tragedy. Anyway I am completely smitten and he has been amazing for me! I am happy. That seems weird to say with everything that has been going on around me, but Spencer makes me happy. We spent the morning with my favorite person in the world, Cortney! This little girl melts my heart! She is adorable (yes her hair is crazy but it's about time that she even has hair) and so well behaved!!! I love hearing her say my name! We took her down to the Gateway and played in the water (I won't talk about how Spencer accidentally got Cortney smashed by water in the face... haha) and played at Barnes and Noble (isn't that everyone's favorite place to play?) and went shopping (the girl is addicted to Forever 21... AWESOME) took pictures of Cort doing pull ups just for Chris, and then to the Planetarium. It was so much fun and a gorgeous day! Plus Cortney loves Spencer! Afterwards we went to the park with Kim and Chris and had more fun. I love spending time outside, especially when it's with my family. I feel as though I have grown closer to my family throughout this awful experience. I have realized how much I do love my family and there is truly nothing that I wouldn't do for any one of them. I would never wish this sadness and uncertain on anyone, but it has been beneficial for the relationship with my family that's for sure. I love my family so much! And that includes Jason. I miss him and I wish we could get even a little news, good or bad. Last night I was over at my Uncle Bill's house and we were talking and my 8 year old cousin Logan asked if maybe it was possible that Jason dropped his phone in a puddle and that's why it hadn't been working. That melted my heart! I will that was what happened. And I wish that I still thought of things as simple as all of that. Jason, I hope that you dropped your phone in a puddle and that you are safe and sound! I love you! Please come home!

Dear Jason...

Dear Jason,

Maybe we haven't been as close as we should have been lately, and maybe that's partly my fault. I probably could've been better, and talked longer when we were on the phon

e. I could've texted more, or sent you fun packages. It's hard when there's so much distance between two people to maintain such a strong relationship... especially when one of them is owned by the military. I feel like we have always had our secret rebellion bond

. It's nothing like you and Kim bonding over your fear of me growing up, but something different. I felt like you thought you could always come to me when you wanted to sneak out and see a PG-13 rated movie (sorry Mom and Dad... it happened. I'm human and weak) or when you wanted to watch family guy. I let you hide Mission Impossible 3 in the trunk of my car, which I still have by the way. I remember when they transfered you to a different mission and you got to call me so I could come see you at the airport, that made me feel so awesome that of all people you would want to see at 5am it would be me. Okay so maybe I was the only one in Salt Lake City, but still. I remember when you came home in December and I told everyone in that airport what was up with my super cool sign that I made for you. You returned

the favor by giving me one of your famous back slap hugs... dude those things kind of hurt.

I remember when at Jake's Court of Honor you surprised him with a video from base since you couldn't make it, and then Dad asked me to give the closing prayer and I was crying so hard from your message that I'm sure no one understood. I remember you singing in Alaska to the punk rock girl song and messing up the words! That was the best. I cannot tell you how many times I have listened to that song lately because of the happy memories it gave me. Or remember how in the cabin you put me on your shoulders and I punched the ceiling? Good t

imes, even if it was at my expense. Or one of my favorites... when you were Joe the Plummer for Halloween! Jason, you are awesome! You have overcame so much adversity

and whenever people told you that you couldn't do something you always fought back and did it better than anyone else. You have never been the kind of person to make people worry or that would just disappear. I am worried about you and just want you to come home. I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make sure that this happens! So is everyone else. You have hundreds of people praying for you and your name is on countless temple prayer rolls. Yo

u are so loved and so missed. I do thank you for the 10 pounds I have lost from the stress of dealing with your disappearance, but I would gladly pack on 100 pounds if it meant yo

u get to come home safe... and I coach cheerleading so that would just not be right plus I'm weak and a little vain I guess. I miss you and I love you and I don't know where you are. But I do know I will continue to pray for you, fast for you, search for you, and do

anything I can for you to bring you home. I hope you know that there is nothing

that I wouldn't do for you! Nothing. You complete our family and without you we are not nearly as strong as we have potential to be. Where are you Jason? Are you safe? Are you hurting? Are you hungry? Are you in trouble? Please call me, because you know that I could take down anyone that is hurting you. Be honest.... you know it's true. I love you Jason. I want, and more importantly, I need you in my life.

Love, Your Big Sister

Kate Voegele-A Fine Mess-Sweet Silver Lining Lyrics

I love this song and think it explains how I feel perfectly!

The Good Old Days....

So I want to talk about someone who means the world to me and who I wish was here during this awful time. I miss my Gilbert. End of story! We have had some AMAZING times together. Middle school times (singing in Fred Meyer, Boysenberry Snot Bubbles, Blair Witch remake), high school times (Oregon Coast trips, Homecoming, Prom, Movie marathons, almost getting arrested for TPing), after high school times (Chicago, Halloween, New Years, Christmas, Boise, Multiple costumes, Rock Band, Weddings, dance parties)... Moving down to Provo 4 years ago was probably the best decision of my life!!! Let me explain that sentence because I know it doesn't sound right. Provo wasn't awesome, but living 5 minutes away from Gilbert was awesome! I don't think I would ever move to Provo ever again unless I was guaranteed to eat at the Hospital for lunch every day for free! Best food ever! Dead serious. Anyway I dug up some pictures from the past... Yeah I know that seems to be happening a lot lately. Deal with it. Let's not anyone be offended. I'm not drinking beer, it's root beer... I know, I know, it's the appearance of evil... blah blah blah. Seriously though, my parents read this... Sometimes you have to just put yourself out there and have a good time. And every day was a good time with Gilbert! I never felt out of place. Ian and Brad were there a lot too which was good for the laughs, but my Gilbert is my favorite! I miss her terribly and need to go to Chicago ASAP! Donations are definitely accepted and will be rewarded (wink wink) Yeah I don't even know what that means... Gotta keep my "customers" satisfied right? (Sorry parental's) On a lighter note, I think it may be time for another White Trash Bash! I haven't had one for 4 years! Who doesn't love dressing up white trash and eating crusty sloppy joes with all the trimmings or day old Mac and cheese with cut up hotdogs? Or the best... pork and beans with ruffles potato chips? Honestly I could eat that every day! Haha! No really, I'm serious. Best parties ever!

Heart Sinker...

It's past the point where I can fake my emotions and just hope that everything will sweep me up in it's flow and carry me to another place. The point I am at now consists of a lot of staring out blankly into the world, being quiet, crying, not eating, and trying to sleep. Here's the worst part about all of this... I love to eat! I usually will eat anything and everything (well almost) and then some. Food has always been a passion of mine and I miss it terribly! The same goes for sleep. Lying in bed used to be one of the most enjoyable things in the world to me. You know that moment after you just wake up and you just lie there with the sunshining through the window and it's calm and peaceful? Yeah I don't have that either anymore. I have suffered through 11 days of this and honestly I'm over it. I want my life to go back to the way it was (minus one very exciting new addition.... stay tuned for an introduction in the next couple of days). I'm ready to be normal again. Any news would be welcomed for the idea of closure... Maybe that makes me sound like an awful person because if my brother is dead, I need to know. I cannot live in question and doubt and wonder. I need absolution. I have been so grateful for the move of my family to Utah. They nowlive about 5 minutes away and I LOVE that! I also love that Jake took about 62 mini pencils from Ikeaon Monday... what on earth do you do with 62 mini pencils? I'm also grateful that I have been able to spend some time with Cortney. She is amazing and gorgeous and always makes me smile. I love hearing her say my name, especially when it's preceded with the word "silly". "Silly Aunt Jenny" may be my favorite sentence. Cheer is over, at least cheer with my 2010-2011 squad. They were my first and my everything. I am so thankful to themfor giving me such an amazing opportunity to grow and learn and to make friends. I have had so much fun coaching and I feel extremely blessed. I still have practices with my 2011-2012 squad which is a great distraction, but you never forget your first. I am grateful for friends who take time to give me advice about how to better handle the situation. I honestly feel so helpless that any suggestion is welcomed. I am grateful for prayer and the power it has to calm me and the strength it has given me. I feel so blessed to be so supported in such an awful crisis, and I hope to be able to share good news with you all soon.