Faye Linda Carpenter
5 years ago
Monday, December 5, 2011
Confessions of a Pregnant Lady
I have always wanted a big family, since before I could remember. I always wanted a lot of children and I wanted that early in life. I got married a little later then I would have hoped in life, but I know that I married the person who I was suppose to. I could not be more happy or more in love with Spencer. I am so excited that we are starting the next chapter in our lives by starting a family. But it's still not the easiest thing. I have struggled with depression my entire life, and I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who have supported me and helped me through those tough times. I can't understand why I would be having these feelings again now, during a time that I thought would be so exciting for me. As excited as I am to become a Mom, I am terrified at this point. I have no doubt in Spencer at all. he will be an AMAZING father and he will not only be here for our child however he can, but he will be there to support me as well. But what if I am not good enough. I already feel so sick and so helpless all the time. It's so frustrating and upsetting to me to not be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to. Eating is not as enjoyable as it once was because now I have to eat all the time or else I get crazy sick... but I can't eat whatever I want because baby doesn't like half of what I like. When we go grocery shopping we have to find the aisle with plastic bowls just to carry it around the store with us because I cough and gag the entire time and we never know when breakfast will resurface. Spencer and I have wonderful jobs and even if I only worked part time for the res of the pregnancy, we would be okay financially, but money still worries me. I want to be able to give my child everything in the world, what parent doesn't? But what if I can't? What if I am so selfish that I would rather have that new pair of shoes or taco bell instead? I haven't even eaten taco bell during this pregnancy because I don't want to ruin it for myself. That's how much I love it! I know things change when you have a baby and people always are so surprised at quickly they fall in love with their baby, but what if I don't? What if I think my baby is ugly? How selfish is that? I have so many fears about not having a healthy baby or that I am somehow going to ruin this child's life before it even begins. What if the medication I am taking hurts my baby? I hate to sound like a dependent druggy, but I cannot work full time and coach without it. I am just too sick. What if I shouldn't be coaching during competition season? What if that is too stressful for me and therefore affects my baby in a negative aspect? It's tough adjusting to married life. After 25 years of not having someone there, someone who you love more than anything is there all the time no matter what. It's great! But still an adjustment. It's almost harder learning to share your body with another human. Everything I do affects this baby. Everything I eat affects this baby. I haven't been sleeping well at night at all the past week, so what if that affects my baby negatively? I hope that I am just worrying for no reason and that really everything is going to be okay, but as for now I am scared out of my mind and doubting my abilities as a future mother.
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Everyone does...you are completely normal! It gets so much more exciting and the future becomes so much clearer and exciting once the sickness passes...so just hold on :)
ReplyDeleteI would say it's normal to have all those fears jen. I had a lot of the same ones. My mom knew every time I called that I would be asking her if something I did or took was going to hurt my baby. She finally just told me to relax and enjoy the journey. Being sick is the worst. I was horribly sick up until 25 weeks. I did the whole gag through the grocery store thing. I think people thought I was a freak. But Shane was gone in Tenn. for the whole month so it was super hard being alone. I cried every day and every night as I fell asleep. I was always stressed the unison I was taking would hurt the baby or that my baby wouldn't be healthy. But the biggest thing that helped me was prayer and relying on the Savior. I learned so much more about the atonement from being pregnant. I understood more fully what the Savior went through for me and I learned to have faith. To have faith that He had a plan for me and my baby. That however He wanted my baby to be, is how he would be. I had to learn to just do my best and He would take care of the rest and He did. Looking back those sick days were the hardest of my life. Naturally I think you do just feel depressed. I know you think it should be the happiest time of your life, but with all the hormones and body changes you feel depressed at times. I would say it's normal and doesn't make you a bad mother. I got hit really bad with the baby blues after Paxton was born. I would cry every day and be so sad. I felt depressed, which I normally don't feel that way. I felt guilty because I had this perfect beautiful baby and I was sad and crying. Luckily my hormones got back to normal and I started to feel like myself. But the reality is there will be many a hard times in a pregnancy and even after baby. I never realized how big of an adjustment being a mom would be for me. I thought baby came and life would be a piece of cake. I have learned that I am meant to go through hard times to really appreciate the things in my life. You will enjoy food and your health fully once again, I promise. I know the days seem long and dark and miserable, but rely on the Savior. Pray. It truly helped me. You will be an amazing mother and will learn so much through your experience. Just try to relax as much as you can when you're not working. Sleep when you can. If you're having trouble sleeping take half a unison. Saved my life. Tons of woman take the sickness medicine you are and there babies are totally healthy, so don't stress. The doctor wouldn't give you anything harmful. If you need anything or someone to talk to just call me! For some encouragement watch and read this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbYLKVgwztY
ReplyDeletehttp://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng
These helped me as I went through what you did!
Love ya! Hang in there! It's all worth it even when it's so hard!
pregnancy is a roller coaster from hell, holding your baby for the first time is the most euphoric feeling in the world. It has been that way for me all four times. God is in charge, and while you should do the best you can for your baby there are more things out of your control than in your control. You don't smoke, drink, or snort crack and that is about all you can control. The rest is in God's hands and he will give you the baby that is perfect for your family. As far as being a good mom, the best part is that at first all you do is love and feed them, everything is a learning curve, but it comes one day at a time and all of a sudden you have a 9 year old telling you she feels unappreciated. At least you are the oldest and can sympathize with your inevitably screwing up your first kid!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I just love your blog. And Iam so excited that you're pregnant! You are going to be the cutest momma ever. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and are going to be the best mom! every mom thinks those things the first go round and I even thought them the second go round I cant wait to see your cute little one cause lets be honest you are a very pretty girl and are going to make one cute kid!! lets play soon!
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