Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Have you heard of this? If not... youtube it. That's where we learned about it. Apparently it started in Europe somewhere and the point is to take a picture lying completely still while your toes and fingers pointed and no expression in the most random places. So this is what we did at work today. Super productive and let's be honest... super fun!!!! Seriously though... who does this at work? Best job ever! I think I may be doing this more often.... Great distraction!

7 Days

A lot has happened in the past 7 days (Please try not to think of the movie The Ring when I say "7 days") and not all of it has been bad. Yes, Jason is still missing and I call him about 20 times a day hoping that he will pick up, but he never does. We still have no idea where he might be or if he is safe. Had I not been surrounded by certain people this past week, or been so lucky as to have my awesome family move here I probably would've fallen apart. But I have been lucky. I was able to spend most of the day with my family yesterday and it was amazing. I forget how fun my little brothers can be and how Ryan will do almost anything I tell him to do... haha. Family is so important and I really forgot how much a love living close to them and being able to go and see them whenever I want without having to drive 3 long hours. My Mom was able to laugh this weekend, which of course is awesome because she has a great laugh. She wouldn't take her eyes off the younger boys at all which I'm sure they will find to grow very tiring shortly, but it's understandable. I know this post seems all over the place, but I am really having a hard time pinning down my feelings and emotions. Is it okay that I am so happy and my brother is missing? I hope so because I haven't been happy for a long time, because I haven't allowed myself that opportunity. Seems like poor timing on my part... Jason... I love you, your family misses you. And we would love to hear from you or for you to come home! You are an amazing young man with so much potential! Please come home! 7 days is too long to not have you in my life!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Les Miserables... The Miserable Ones

After months of waiting, searching for the perfect dress, and listening, watching, and reading (haven't finished it yet) Les Miserables, I finally got to actually go and see it performed at Utah's capital theatre last night. It was amazing. They weren't the best performers, nor did they perform perfectly. But just to see it live, have the orchestra right there you can just feel the music that much more. Every feeling, every thought is magnified when you are in that situation. Yes, "Bring Him Home" was a struggle and it was disappointing to me how long that feeling hung around with me even after the song. I felt bad for Stewart that he had to deal with that. Remember how his birthday was in October and this was his present? He's been a really good friend for quite a while now. I think we have had some good times, and I'm glad that even though it wasn't the best performances, that we were able to go. He is the one who introduced me to Les Miserables after all and now it's not only an obsession of mine but my families. So when I think about the title in English, The Miserable Ones, and I kind of think of my life. Not only my life but my family right now. I know that we don't have it very bad, but this week has been hell. I feel like I can't really explain the emotions that I am having to anyone, which is really upsetting, and there's nothing that anyone can do which is also upsetting. I get sad randomly and then other times I'm fine. My Uncle Bill was in the temple and read one of the hymns and passed it on to us to read. It's called When Faith Endures and reads:
"I will not doubt, I will not fear; God's love and strength are always near. His promised gifts helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind. I give the Father willingly My trust, my prayers, humility. His Spirit guides; his love assures The fear departs when faith endures."
I love that! Makes me feel like I have no faith because I'm pretty fearful, but still what an amazing hymn! What an amazing promise. I'm so thankful that my parents raised me to be faithful and raised me to understand that when I have no one to turn to that I can turn to the Lord and he will always help and bless me! He will tell me all that I need to know (In his time of course which sometimes sucks). And right know all that I need to know is that my little brother is safe. That would make a world of difference. That would make me not miserable. I stopped making wishes on stars, in fountains, with eyelashes, birthday candles, etc... about 2 years ago because I was pestimistic and felt as though it was pointless, but if I could have only one wish and I knew it would come true. I would wish that my brother would come home.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Mormon Hangover...

NO MORE ROCKSTARS EVER! So I am sicker then I dog! Don't drink Rockstars! Just say no... Probably didn't help that I had to get up at 6am and didn't go to bed until 4:30am. Now I cannot blame any of this on Jason, because I am in control of my own life... But thanks to Jason I am now down 7 pounds! Hey-O! So awesome! I am going to Les Miserables tonight and I'm dreading it a little. This is something that I have been looking forward to for a really really long time, but "Bring Him Home" is going to be a rough one for me I think. That's all I want. And that's all I pray for. If for Heavenly Father to bring him home. If not for me then for my Mom. She needs him more than ever! I think we are at 144 hours... I've never counted hours this high before, so I definitely could be wrong! Jason I love you and I miss you! Please know that your family is here for you no matter what! We love you and we need you!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I Am Awesome....

And this is why....

I told off the moving company men like it was nobody's business

All I have had to eat today was a Guava Rockstar and Rockstar gum (A little shakey)

Had a two person dance party with Tina at a ward function

Drank the Rcokstar with a straw... Yeah that's right

Fell out of a chair

And that's it for tonight... Still missing Jason because he is awesome too and I don't like it that he is missing....

Friday, May 27, 2011

How Blessed...

I think it's time for me to start focusing more on the positive things that have occurred from this awful situation. I have learned so much about "real" friends. In some situations phone calls and texting is fine. And I have appreciated those things this week, but honestly it's not enough. I have had people that I haven't talked to in 7 years do incredible things out of the good of their own heart without me asking. One friend from high school now works for an airline and checked and let me know that Jason had not been on a flight in the past 7 days. So many of them have family or friends in Fort Benning and have gotten the word out to them and they have been able to pass information on to me here. Old roommates from college who have families and live on the other side of the country are willing to contact media and go out of their way to make time for my brother. Friends and roommates here in Utah have been beyond amazing! My cheerleaders give me the best hugs! I got flowers (I never get flowers!) They have just hung out with me and watched movies and kept me distracted. My sister allowed me to spend time with my niece, who may just be the best distraction of all. So many people have put my brother on so many different prayer rolls in the Temple, as well as continued prayer in their own homes. The support has been overwhelming, but the lack of support from people who I thought would step up has been equally disappointing. But I am so blessed to be surrounded by an amazing family, supportive friends, and so many unselfish people who have reached out to me and my family. Thank you so much for all that you have all done! Jason, so many people are praying and hoping for your safety. We love you. Please come home to us!

Distraction 2

Once again... sorry that it's not the best quality... Good job today girls!

Distraction 1

Yes I know it's crappy but my camera ran out of battery and all I had was my iPod... Good job today girls!

I Hug Now...

For those of you who know me well, you know that I have never been much of a hugger. I would always tense up or do the side hug to avoid full contact. I have even been known to just shake hands instead as well as the occasional high five. I don't know why hugs have bothered me so much in the past, but they have. Even my cheer girls knew never to hug me. 3 weeks ago, after whatcing this documentary on fears, I decided to treat myself with a lesson in exposure. Exposure is where you constantly expose yourself to the thing that scares you until you overcome your fear. So for the past three weeks I have been giving hugs and getting hugs. I tell you what... the high school kids are loving it, cause that's just what they do. I'm glad that I did that because I am loving all of the hugs I have received this week! They are so comforting! I was talking to my Mom on the phone this morning and she expressed to me her sadness of not being about to put her arms around her son and to let him know that everything is going to be okay. I can't imagine the fear and emotions that she is feeling. I know how strongly I fear and how often I have to excuse myself to allow myself a selfish minute to grieve, and I am not even his mother. As more time passes, and I allow myself to make more and more inappropriate jokes about the situation in order to hide my real feelings, the more I fear that I may never get to see my brother again. To be honest, we were never super close, but we always had fun together. I think he looked at me like the one in the family he could share his rebellious side with because I shared those same tendencies. Jason is a good kid. He is a great brother. A hard worker. And the Jason I know never seemed to have fear. He is the boy that sang in front of an entire classroom to ask a girl to Homecoming. He is the boy who overcame his handicap of stuttering and made friends easily. He is the boy who when he was younger shaved his eyebrows off. We called him Ghost Boy. He is the boy that when his Grandparents needed help at their house in the middle of nowhere in Washington, he devoted an entire summer to them without complaint. He is the boy that sent his younger brother a surprise video message to his Court of Honor when he couldn't be there. He is a sweet, kind, and helpful person. I love him. I have to admit the guilt I feel about the last phone call I had with him Sunday night. What if he was reaching out to me and I missed it? What if he was trying to tell me something. What if that is the last time I will ever talk to him? I wasted that phone call. I know I need to have faith and be positive, but it's getting harder and harder. I have faith that he is alive. I have faith that he will come home. I have faith that he knows how much we love him and will do anything for him. Please Jason, come home. We love you!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Movie dig

Please be impressed that I got this movie from the bottom of the bin and didn't spill any movies.... Serious skill. And the movie is.... BeatleJuice.... Haha!

Losing Weight and Staying Distracted...

I hate scales! Seriously nothing depresses me more than stepping on a scale. Well, one of my new roomies has a scale and on Sunday I stepped on it... Heavy Groan! Anyway I stepped on it again today (I don't even know why) and it was 5 pounds less. Loving it!!!! So here is my guide for losing 5 pounds in 4 days...

  1. Have your brother go missing for almost 96 hours

  2. Sleep during your free time

  3. Have good friends abandon you during this time

  4. Have a cheer performance which requires you to be at the high school at 6:50am

  5. Coach 4 hours of cheer in one day

  6. Cry a minimum of 2 hours a day

  7. Fast a lot

  8. Worry

  9. When you do eat, eat fruit loops

These have apparently all proven to work for me. Maybe it's inappropiate for me to be making jokes about this, but it's my outlet right now... This is the only good thing to come from this tragic situation. So let me give you all an update on Jason... we know nothing more. How awesome and reassuring is that? Okay, you are getting a glimpse into my mood swings. I am feeling bitter and upset at this moment. In about five minutes I will probably be crying. Five minutes after that I will probably be laughing. And five minutes after that somber. That may have added to the weight loss come to think of it. This experience is exhausting. I love my brother, and if he did call I would do anything for him, but I am exhausted! I don't know if I am going to be cut out to be a parent. I was able to spend some time with my sister and Cortney today and that little girl makes me feel so much better. Best distraction of the day! Check out her sweet glasses she got at the mall...

She was super sassy today, which is great. I love it! I love my family and I hope that Jason is found safe and alive so that he can return home and make memories with us and experience all that life and our family has to offer. Thanks again for all of your support, love, and prayers!

No New is Good News?

I have heard this saying many times before, but I don't think that I have ever truly experienced a situation in which it applied. Now I have that situation. And I don't think that saying is valid. No news is more stress, it's more worry, it's more heart breaking and it's way harder to let go or even to begin healing. I'm not saying that Jason is dead, and I pray that he isn't, but not knowing where he is or what's going on with him or if he's safe, or has food, or money, or if he's in trouble, is way worse than knowing what the situation actually is. I feel guilty sometimes because as much as I have cried over this the past 3 days, I have also laughed. I have spent time with my family and my friends and there have been moments where I have enjoyed myself and forgotten that situation. Does this make me a bad person? Does this mean that I don't care? Because I do. I really love my brother and I want him to come home, but I also find the need to distract myself very important. I feel guilty for not leading the way in finding him, but the Army told us they need their time to do their thing. What more can I do? I truly don't know. I pray for a miracle, I pray for his safety, I pray for peace, and I pray for my parents. I was not the perfect child growing up and I think that Jason and I have a connection with this because we gave them a run for their money for sure. I have seen the guilt that parents feel when their child strays and goes away for a while. I have awesome parents. I have the best parents and they should never feel like they have done anything wrong because they have done everything right. I am so thankful for all of the support my friends and family have given to me. Even people that I haven't talked to in years have reached out and made this so much easier. Even people I don't know have called and offered their love and their support. I find it extremely interesting that no matter what race, gender, or religion someone is, everyone understands prayer. The first thing so many people have said to me was that they would pray for me, my brother, and my family. That is so comforting and so astounding to me. I even had one of my cheerleaders this morning say that she would pray for me if she knew how to pray, instantly another one of my girls took a minute and taught her how to pray so that she could pray for my brother. I am truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I'm starting to fall apart today more than any other day, but I still have faith, I just don't feel as strong. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. My family is forever grateful to you all.

Jason Come Home

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Finding Humor and Losing Strength...

Chances are that Jason is okay, I know that. They checked all the prisons and hospitals and they didn't find him there. I guess I should be happy about that. But it still isn't getting any easier. The more time that goes by and he is still missing the bigger the chances are that something has happened to him. You never realize how much you love your family until there's a chance that you might not all be together anymore. It's true that Jason hasn't been at home for a while, but that doesn't mean I love him any less than any of my other siblings. I miss him. I wish I would've talked longer to him on the phone on Sunday when he called me. I wish I would've told him that I loved him. My youngest brother Ryan posted this blog yesterday and it brought me to tears. To know that all my family is struggling as much as I am makes me even more sad. No one should ever have to worry about their son or brother like this. It's hard to express exactly what I'm feeling, but I know that I hate it. Ryan is carrying around a set of Jason's dog tags in his pocket, Jake is listening to Les Miserables "Bring Him Home" over and over and has deemed it his favorite song. Speaking of which I am supposed to be attending Les Miserables later this week... what are the odds that I cry my way through that song? Kim is keeping in contact with people Jason knows in the army while trying to keep it together so Cortney doesn't realize anything is wrong. Mom is constantly communicating with Jason's Master Sargent and trying to comfort the rest of her family while trying to finish packing for the move this weekend. Dad is trying really hard to not show emotion, but I know he's worried. He's our rock though and if he crumbles then the rests of us will only fall deeper. This morning my family was watching Good Morning America because that's what they do and it said that today is National Missing Child Day.... go figure. We all kind of laughed a little, but I think that we were mostly just hiding our sorrows by relieving some type of emotion. Jason we love you and want you to be okay and safe. Please call us or text us or e-mail us and let us know that you are alright. WE LOVE YOU!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Jason... if you are reading this please call us and let us know you are safe. We love you and we just want to make sure that you are okay. If you have any problems or need help or anything we are here for you. We are your family and will stand by your side no matter what. Please let us know that you are okay and safe. WE LOVE YOU!

Sunday, May 22, 2011


So I think there may be a chance that I have a brain tumor... I cannot use the correct words and it's starting to become an issue. Last night I was at Target with some of my super cool new friends and I saw a futon that was unfolded or whatever you call a futon when it's not a couch... anyway so I laid down on it and was explaining why futons were a good choice of furniture... These were my exact words, "Futons are good especially when you have customers over..." Really? Customers? As in I am a prostitute? The worst part about it was that there were two ladies who were walking by and totally heard everything and they gave me the look. I quickly fixed my mistake saying I meant to say visitors, but I think it was too late. The damage was done. Why on earth would I say such a thing? Anyway we had fun golfing and that is all that matters! PS - and it's totally the style now to wear shirts that make you look like you're pregnant or 25 heavier then you are. Didn't you know?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Greatest Marriage Proposal EVER!!!

Shout Out!

Just want to give a shout out to my latest blog stalkers, Sexy Jason and his roomie Spencer!

Hey boys!!! That's right, I pulled a "high school" and took a picture of myself in a mirror.... don't be jealous of my awesomeness or the fact that I have to look at the screen when I take a picture instead of actually looking up...

Happy BIrthday B.I.L aka Chris!

Yesterday was Chris's birthday. It's been a crazy week so I apologize for this being late. Chris is the B.I.L. (Brother in Law). He is a perfect match for Kim and a great father for Cortney. He always shows me the best youtube videos and introduces me to a lot of great new music! Oh and of course he has introduced me to Arrested Development and that show is AWESOME! And he makes super cool videos... remember this? Chris is a great addition to our family! I can say whatever I want around him and it's all good... at least I think it is. I think I need to take more pictures with him because I don't have any... Anyway, Chris, thanks for being such an awesome B.I.L... especially since you are the only one that I will ever have... at least on that side of the family. I wish that the Mavericks would've have won last night just for him, but alas, they did not. Can I also tell you that this kid can put food away more than even I can? That's saying something because I eat every meal like I will never have another. Chris even impresses African Americans with his drinking and eating skills. African Americans jaws drop. I hope you had an AMAZING birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You have 3 days....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rain Rain....

I don't think it will ever stop raining in Utah! Normally I love the rain and it fits perfectly with my mood this week, but I need the sun to come out! I need to know that I can straighten my hair in the morning and it will stay straight! And as much as I love wearing boots, I want to wear long jeans that don't become drenched when I walk two feet. I miss the sun! I need the sun! I need to go to Bees games and sit on the grass and watch fireworks! It does make for pretty pictures though. Window to the left at work.

In the Ghetto

So when we drive to Idaho, I almost always stop at this random gas station in the middle of nowhere... strangely I have a lot of memories from this gas station. Anyway it's kind of a dump! Kim and I got a good laugh though last time we were there. First of all to even have this sign posted it just silly when a bathroom is in this kind of condition! You've got holes in the ceiling, huge scary rapist looking holes, the sink doesn't work and is missing a knob. Garbage is overflowing and the tiles are missing from the walls! Don't ask me why we stop there. They do have a subway so it smells AMAZING!