Well, I had high hopes for the last night of 2010 and of course, because it's my life and this is the way things tend to go for me (this is not me being negative, this is just simply the truth... I promise), my plans fell through and I spent the night alone, watching Friends, eating cinnamon Santa's and the yummy food the completely wonderful and unselfish Allie brought to me, and painting my fingernails over and over again because no color looked right and I couldn't even paint my nails good. It was like Christmas all over again. Absolutely awful. When did this happen in my life? When did I become this person, who spends holidays alone? Nothing seems to be working out for me these days, and things have been pretty rough. I'm a month away from turning 25 (tear) and even though I have had a lot of good experiences, it's not where I wanted to be at all in my life. I'm not who I wanted to be. Who I thought I would be. Who everyone else thought I would be. I have not only disappointed myself, but also those around me. That's not a good feeling. As I spend the night reflecting upon the past year, as most people will be doing, I can't help but to be disappointed. I guess I just don't understand. I have tried hard to make changes but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Pretty sure I offended the universe somehow and now I am being kept from the things that I want most. I really do try to be a good person, I try to give and help in any way that I can, but it doesn't make a difference. I don't think karma exists. Or if it does I am immune from that. I'm not sure how to have that in my life, but it would be nice. Maybe that's selfish of me to think this way, but I think, in fact I'm pretty sure that I have an enormous load of karma coming back to me. I just don't understand what's so wrong with me that I can't find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know I am not the prettiest person or have even remotely a decent body. I know that I'm not the most educated person or have a lot of money. Perhaps I'm not even close to anything that anyone would ever want, which is my guess since it's just not happening, and hasn't been close to happening for a long time now. It's like my sole purpose in life is to prepare guys for their future spouse. I'm not going to do that anymore. That doesn't work for me. I do not enjoy that at all. Who would? I guess I'm just not going to care anymore. I have work, school, and cheer to focus on. If I get married then I have to worry about spending money, learn how to cook, share the bed, and none of those things interest me. So maybe marriage isn't for me. Maybe once I got married I would realize this, and so maybe it's better to realize this before I actually make that mistake. I have decided to make a few New Years Resolutions... against my better judgement...
1. No celebrating holidays (they did not treat me well in 2010, so this is my revenge)
2. No boys (dating that is) At least for a little while...
3. Eat more Nachos (this brings me happiness beyond belief - might make me more happy than anything else in the entire world actually)
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