Broken Hearted

Every couple of months my heart breaks.... I am not being dramatic or over-exaggerating, it's just the truth. I'm not sure if I have ever shared this before on here, and I know that some of you already know this story, but I feel impressed to share it today as it is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind the past few weeks. When Jason was missing the thought of losing a sibling seemed unbearable to me. One of the reasons, besides the obvious, that it touched me and hurt me so deeply was because I have already lost 2 siblings.... Caught your interest now haven't I? Let's rewind a little.... 2006 was a big year for my family. They moved from Hawaii to Idaho (Crazies), every child was living at home again (haha...that is all. My parent must realize that I will be their basement dweller), Dad started a business, Mom was excelling at the Mom duties, and everyone was feeling content and happy with life. Then one day there was a phone call (okay so I don't remember how it all started, I just know what went down, so I may be exaggerating at this point). The phone call came from the state of Washington asking if my parents would be interested in fostering/adopting two children. To make things simple they were my cousins kinds, different Dads, and because I'm working on being a better person and loving everyone (minus a certain Russian) that's all I will say about it. My parents prayerfully discussed their options and felt as though these two children needed to be in our home. They talked with all of us kids about it and we all felt so strongly that they needed to be a apart of our family. It was amazing how in sync we all were on the subject. No one felt as though this would be a burden and we were all willing to open up our lives and hearts to these children. In order for these two, maybe I should use their names???? Kaylee and Kevin to come live with us, my parents, who definitely had a 20 year old and then 4 more children, had to take parenting classes and expose themselves to some awful information regarding abuse and others crazy stories they would tell us about. They did get free food, so I'm pretty sure that that made up for a little bit of the horror, at least that would work for me. And I really remember them talking about the food a lot. I remember the day they brought Kaylee and Kevin home. I was in Denver, CO at the time and was constantly on the phone with my Mom asking how the trip went and how the kids were. It took a while for Kaylee and Kevin to warm up to us, but once they did it was wonderful. Okay, not always wonderful. Kaylee was kind of crazy to put it in gentle terms. Once she was in time out in her room and when it came time for her to come out she was completely naked, the bed was off the frame like literally on the floor, books and toys were scattered everywhere, and she was 3. That's when my parents decided to remove her door, just in case you know, to prevent her from damaging anything else or herself for that matter. Kaylee was a ball full of fire and sass. One time I remember my dad telling her not to go in the kitchen until dinner was ready or else she would go to time out. She looked straight at my Dad, this little 3 year old, and stood in the doorway of the kitchen and stomped one of her tiny feet onto the tiled kitchen floor, while the other remained in the living room. My Dad was so mad! Kaylee really knew how to push his buttons! She would always put on my sunglasses and say "Gorgeous!" Kevin was quiet but so stinking funny. He didn't talk much but he loved the wiggles. He would just squat on the kitchen floor and watch the wiggles for hours! Since he wouldn't speak he would just mouth all the words and dance. He was such a sweetheart! Sometimes he looked a tad white trash and Asian, and he was part Indian so we would sing, "white trash Asian in jun Bob" and he would dance around to it. It was great! One thing that was obvious from the beginning was how much they loved each other! Of course because they had both been through such awful childhoods up to this point, they were both suffering with disorders and lack of stability. Kaylee and Kevin each had 12 fingers and 12 toes. My parents thought it would be best to have them removed (I thought it was cool but whatever) and took them to Utah to have this done. Kevin, who we called Mr. Bob because you cannot say Kevin without yelling it like on Home Alone, and his middle name was Robert, thus Bob, was 9 months old when he came to live with us. Most of our neighbors and friends thought he was mentally handicap. But he wasn't. My Mom changed that little boy. She taught him sign language, taught him to walk and showed him so much love it was insane. He completely transformed all because of the love and affection my Mother so unselfishly gave. Although there were rough times things were good. I felt, at least, that we were a complete family. In 2007 Kim got married and I moved to Provo (don't ever ask me why). On a Sunday in October I got a phone call from my parents. They also had Kim and Chris on the line and had something important to tell us. I seriously thought someone had died or had a deadly disease, I had no idea what could be this important. They told us that even though the adoption process was almost complete that things (sorry I cannot think of proper terms for anything) between the states of Idaho and Washington, were not well and that Kaylee and Kevin would be returned to Washington and into the foster care system. I was devastated. I cried for hours, alone, because I lived alone and didn't know who to turn to. These were my siblings! My brother and my sister! The day before they were to return to Washington I drove to Idaho to see them. That's the picture with me with both of them and you can totally tell I have been crying and Ryan is a big fat cheese ball. And that was the last time I ever saw them. I want to express some of my deepest feelings about this situation and why it still plagues me today. I feel guilty for moving to Provo. I feel like if I had stayed in Idaho that I could've somehow prevented them from leaving. I feel like I didn't do enough to make sure that they stayed in our family where they could be loved and cared for and know that they have a home always. I miss reading them stories at night. I never would've written my children's book if I hadn't made those stories up while I was reading to them at night. They inspired me and taught me how to open my heart and love unselfishly. I went through an awful time after they left. I stopped going to church, I got a tattoo, I wasn't praying or reading my scriptures, I just didn't care about anything. I didn't understand why it was better for them to be placed in foster care and shuffled from home to home and not with a stable, loving, for lack of a better word, AWESOME family. I remember going to Relief Society in Rexburg with my sister in my parents ward when I heard some women talk about how Kaylee and Kevin went back to Washington because my Mom wasn't capable of handling them or their situations. Honestly, that was probably one of my most angry moments. I didn't care that it was the middle of Relief Society, I told those women exactly what was up. My Mom is amazing and she worked endlessly for those children. I was offended and hurt that these two old nosy women, had nothing better to talk about. I think that was what actually put me over the edge, and halted any further spiritual progression at that time for me. I honestly don't know how I made it through that time, but I did. I should have reached out for my Savior who could have guided me and helped share the pain that I was feeling. But I do stupid things sometimes and don't realize when to use these amazing resources in my life. I worry that Kevin and Kaylee will think that my family didn't love them because we gave them back, but we really really did. I made each of them a scrapbook, and on the last page every member of my family wrote a letter to them expressing our love towards them. I hope they still have those and that they read and look at them often. I hope they know that we love them. I hope someday I can see them again and tell them in person how much they mean to me. Rumor has it they are still floating around in foster care which upsets me to my core. I envy Kim for getting married and having to opportunity to have them there at her wedding when I will not be able to do so. Every couple of months, my heart breaks for that loss. I have been devastated in my life for many reasons, but that one sticks with my more than any of them. I get over the stupid cheating boyfriends and the missed opportunities, but I will probably never get over Kaylee and Kevin. I will always consider them my family and I pray for them daily. I hope that they are happy and healthy. And I pray that they know that someone out there loves them. Sorry to get all scary and serious today, but I am feeling my loss hard today and wanted to share my emotions... Hey it's my blog and I will post what I want. That's why you get some pretty ridiculous posts on here. I love my family and their demonstrated strength and faith. Without them I would be nothing.