Heart Sinker...

It's past the point where I can fake my emotions and just hope that everything will sweep me up in it's flow and carry me to another place. The point I am at now consists of a lot of staring out blankly into the world, being quiet, crying, not eating, and trying to sleep. Here's the worst part about all of this... I love to eat! I usually will eat anything and everything (well almost) and then some. Food has always been a passion of mine and I miss it terribly! The same goes for sleep. Lying in bed used to be one of the most enjoyable things in the world to me. You know that moment after you just wake up and you just lie there with the sunshining through the window and it's calm and peaceful? Yeah I don't have that either anymore. I have suffered through 11 days of this and honestly I'm over it. I want my life to go back to the way it was (minus one very exciting new addition.... stay tuned for an introduction in the next couple of days). I'm ready to be normal again. Any news would be welcomed for the idea of closure... Maybe that makes me sound like an awful person because if my brother is dead, I need to know. I cannot live in question and doubt and wonder. I need absolution. I have been so grateful for the move of my family to Utah. They nowlive about 5 minutes away and I LOVE that! I also love that Jake took about 62 mini pencils from Ikeaon Monday... what on earth do you do with 62 mini pencils? I'm also grateful that I have been able to spend some time with Cortney. She is amazing and gorgeous and always makes me smile. I love hearing her say my name, especially when it's preceded with the word "silly". "Silly Aunt Jenny" may be my favorite sentence. Cheer is over, at least cheer with my 2010-2011 squad. They were my first and my everything. I am so thankful to themfor giving me such an amazing opportunity to grow and learn and to make friends. I have had so much fun coaching and I feel extremely blessed. I still have practices with my 2011-2012 squad which is a great distraction, but you never forget your first. I am grateful for friends who take time to give me advice about how to better handle the situation. I honestly feel so helpless that any suggestion is welcomed. I am grateful for prayer and the power it has to calm me and the strength it has given me. I feel so blessed to be so supported in such an awful crisis, and I hope to be able to share good news with you all soon.