It's a Downer...

Okay... I am allowing myself a downer post. I miss my brother terribly. I hate that things are different when I spend time with my family, because even though we have an amazing time we try not to talk about Jason much, and we are all scared and sad. I hate that certain words trigger memories and I instantly become closed off and upset thinking about how we have no answers. I hate that some people who have never been in this situation think it's okay to tell me how to live my life or tell me that my family isn't doing enough to find him. The Army is crazy about this stuff (and probably a little crazy in general) and they have rules about how these things are handled. Is it fair to me and my family to up and leave, possibly quit our jobs to go to the South and look for him, in territory we have never been to, when he has a car and probably isn't even anywhere close to Georgia anymore? My family is handling this the best way we know how while being guided through prayer and hope. I'm sorry if that's not enough for certain people, but it's all we know how to do. Every morning when I wake up the first thing I do is call my brother's phone. It always goes straight to voice mail, but he truly is the first thing I think of when I get up every morning. I am not always the most effective person at expressing my emotions or feelings correctly, and so it's been difficult to share with others the pain and sadness that has crept over me the past 2 weeks. I may be laughing and going to work and doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing, but it's because I am still alive and I have obligations outside mourning for my brother whose state we don't know. I have to keep my life and myself together in order to even begin to hope to be functional when this ordeal is over. Today I feel a little angry because I want answers. I want to know why it's been 2 weeks and we haven't a clue where he is. I want to know why prayers aren't being answered, and maybe that seems like I lack faith, and maybe I do, and maybe our prayers are being answered and we just don't know, but I am a results kind of girl, and I'm not seeing results. As much as I have focused on finding distractions the past two weeks, I am realizing that this situation is also in itself a distraction. I am constantly having to stop in the middle of work or anything I am doing and clear my mind so that I can continue properly. Some days it seems too much, and today is one of those days. Jason I love you. Please come home to us or at least let us know that you are safe.