Srength...

I have always thought of myself as a strong person. I am super stubborn once I set my mind to something I generally accomplish it. However, I am beginning to doubt my strength. I remember back in the day in high school (don't you love this picture? Little Jenn) I got everything I wanted. I was so motivated and so hard headed and hard working that there was nothing I couldn't accomplish. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get there. As the years have worn me down and caused me pain and showed me hurt that I never knew existed, I feel like I have given up a little on myself. On life. That's super disappointing of course. I loved who I use to be, and there are definitely qualities that I have obtained and garnish now that I definitely did not have then, but I feel like I'm losing strength. I know that I need to be strong and I need to be an example for others, especially towards my younger siblings during this awful dramatic time in our lives... Hold up... let's chat about that. I am a lover of The Hills. I know that statement got some eye rolling action. But I love it! I own every season and when I get depressed I turn it on, curl up with my depression quilt and let the drama of their lives over shadow whatever it is that is bringing me down. MTV is seriously missing out of some spectacular drama in the Kinville household right now. And pretty sure I would work a heck of a lot cheaper than Stephanie Pratt or Audrina would... Plus I'm super awesome at overacting so I would definitely bring in the viewers... haha. No really though. I work with teenaged girls and so the drama is constantly there and I watch these dumb reality shows all the time so I have that drama in my life, but now my life is the drama. I honestly don't feel safe in my home, and that's something that no one should ever have. I'm so angry and upset with my brother that I'm worried I will never forgive him. I did find this quote the other day which really made me ponder forgiveness. It says,

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

I think that quote is AMAZING! Somethings just make a lot of sense to me and that is one. He's my brother so I love him, but what he did and continues to do to me and the rest of our family is wrong. It's hurtful and quite honestly pretty darn selfish. PS - I am also a grudge holder... this does not bode well for me. I feel like quoting from How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days when she says, "I love you a lot, but that doesn't mean I have to like you right now." I hope that I can regain my strength and motivation, if for nothing else, then purely to be able to forgive my brother. To understand that everyone makes mistakes and he is just in a bad place right now. Loving him without hesitation or question would make everything, all of the hard work, worth it.

PS- Here is our taco bell picture of the day yesterday... total crunchwrap supremes eaten so far this week = 10... That's right... 10 in two days.